Pedophile! Pedophile!....man of God?

I was raised in the Roman Catholic church, and while in my youth I viewed it as simply parental obligation as I've grown older I've found solace in the church. Over the past decade or so, it's come to light that there have been some Catholic priest who've abused their position and sexually abused young children in the church. This is both reprehensible and inexcusable. What angers people far more than the fact that these things occurred is the fact that a good number of these things were covered up.
Has this been going on in the church for some time? Obviously it has as people who've survived this come forward all the time and tell their stories. Should we ignore these stories? If so it would be at our peril. Should we act as if these occurrences are the exclusive domain of the Roman Catholic church? We'd be stupid if we did. Every so often I turn on my television and hear of some small town preacher or a local one for that matter accused of taking sexual liberties with the youth of his church, but more often than not as they are not Catholic it rarely warrants the big press and follow up stories that it would get if the clergyman were a Catholic priest.
In the song "Ode to Billy Joe" a young man leaps off a bridge to his death because he's tortured by having been molested by a church elder. Literature and popular culture are smattered with stories of the young and naive being taken advantage of by some in positions of authority in the religious bodies to which they belonged. Is it justified? Of course it isn't.
In the midst of the Catholic sex scandal I grew weary of non Catholic holier than thou types saying disparaging things about ALL priest because of the actions of a few. In the time that I've spent in the Catholic church as a child and as an adult I've never been privy to ANY behavior from my priest which I'd consider inappropriate. I wager that most clergy regardless of their faith are honest men who have dedicated their lives to the practice of their faith.
Recently the head of a mega-church was accused of bribing young men (with church funds) into sexual relationships with him. Do I believe there is any truth to the allegations? Honestly I've not seen enough evidence one way or another to either assume he's guilty or innocent of the charges. If it is true I'm upset that a clergyman would do something so reprehensible while preaching God's word, but what truly bothers me is that the same people who would incinerate every Catholic priest on earth simply because of a few sick men are coming to the defense of the accused minister. I even heard Reverend Al Sharpton asking if we as a people should even scrutinize the "private lives" of our clergy. I found this a tad odious. Men of the cloth are supposedly carrying the mantle of God. When one is a standard bearer for his God he IS held to a considerably higher standard than some politician or public figure. There are those who would say that the Late Reverend Martin Luther King engaged in activities that were quite unbecoming a minister. I don't know if those allegations are true or not, but as Reverend King was attempting to get a good portion of America to give basic human dignity to another portion of it and he was NOT attempting to get donations to give to mistresses on some church payroll, comparing MLK to some of todays wanton clergy is like comparing apples and water mellons.

I won't openly attack someone else's faith, or what I perceive to be "cult of personality" ministries, but I have to say I have a hard time reconciling those who would lambast my faith (from which the MAJORITY of Christian religions are derived with the exception of Coptic, Greek & Eastern Orthodox) while acting as if somehow theirs exist in a vacuum. We live in a country that is supposed to be devoid of religious litmus tests, yet I guess that only applies if one belongs to the "right" religion.

EVERYBODY...but me.

If oft been told that as an American I live in "The Greatest country in the World". Despite not having the world's highest literacy rate, (That would be Japan) not living the longest (that would be where the Japanese barely edge out the Swedes). Perhaps it's the ratios of doctors per hundred thousand people? Well if it were we'd lose out to China big time. What makes the U.S. so great? Well, THEORETICALLY you can be born dirt poor in the U.S and become a wealthy man or woman through hard work. Most DON'T live out that Horatio Alger story, but in theory it's possible (given you kiss up to the right people or make the right "connections.")
Let's face it greatness is like "sexy" you simply are because you CHOOSE to be. America became a superstar in the 1940s and 50s simply because we weren't in either Europe OR Asia. World War Two saw massive bombing in Europe and Asia saw the infrastructure of countries utterly collapse. The U.S lost no factories so we helped friend and foe alike rebuild their economy while building our military. Translation we got rich and strong helping everyone else out.
Now the rest of the world is on equal footing with us and economically while we're still the big kid on the block we've competition from some of the kids we used to bully like Germany, Japan, China and India. We barely manufacture ANYTHING but we excel in ONE area...blaming EVERYONE for everything.
The great thing ABOUT being an American is simply that NOTHING which ever goes wrong is EVER your fault. Face it through out our illustrious history we've ALWAYS had convenient scapegoats for EVERYTHING! In the early days of this country it was the Native Americans, then the slaves, then the immigrants, then various religious groups, people of color, communist. We as Americans while we can no longer derive a sense of pride from having more missiles and thermonuclear devices than what WAS the Soviet Union can at least say we blame others for our problems MUCH better than anyone else in the entire world.
Blaming other countries for your woes may be xenophobic...but damn it, it's the American way. But why stop at that. The blame game works in practical everyday situations.

In real life if your kid's an idiot, why blame YOURSELF for not paying enough attention to his education or making him/her read when he/she was coming up? Do you pause and think that maybe you shouldn't have given him the electronics store that IS his room and should have encouraged him to pay closer attention in school? NO You blame his overworked underpaid teachers and every musician and television personality whom he or she listens to.
Don't blame yourself for never changing the oil in your car, blame whomever BUILT what your driving when your engine falls apart. Low wages are not the fault of either a society which tolerates them OR the cheap a-holes who pay them they are the fault of people who sneak into this country because the a-holes in THEIR countries pay even LESS!
If you're over weight it's not because you've never eaten any form of vegetation, it's the fault of fast food conglomerates for being on every corner. Never mind the fact that no one has ever been forced into a burger joint at gun point and force fed a metric ton of french fries or a quintuple decker bacon cheese burger. They ran commercials (which you also weren't forced to watch or respond to) which made you want to become a morbidly obese diabetic.
If you can't get a good job, blame someone from a foreign country or of another ethnic group because an imaginary or insignificant government quota gave THEM a job rather than you. So what if that person was considerably more educated and qualified than you. Everyone is to blame...but US!
In the greatest nation in the world NONE of your problems can POSSIBLY be YOUR FAULT! The key to success in ANY large organization is having a scapegoat and the TRULY great (like we Americans) are infallible.

Stupid...just plain stupid.

I've never had much faith in mankind. I'll be the first to admit that the human condition saddens me to some degree. It's one of those things in which there SHOULD be some degree of hope but sadly again and again it serves to disappoint. Ben Franklin once said "The only things we can be sure of are death and taxes." Well, I contend that our good friend and canabis smoking founding father forgot human stupidity. Let's face it, courts are FILLED with people who did something STUPID who are suing someone else rather than simply admit they were at fault and incredibly stupid. While I'll admit I can be a bit of a misanthrope I have my softer moments when I simply can no longer watch people doing stupid crap without at least TRYING to warn them. So here goes, a list of just plain stupid things one should avoid.

1. Smoking or playing with your cell phone at gas stations: Okay there are signs two feet high with bold red letters and little pictugraphs telling you that if you're smoking near gasoline fumes OR carrying a small electronic device which CAN create a spark you MIGHT burst into flames. IF you ignore this and turn into the human torch...don't look for an invisible girl, elastic guy or a dude made of brick, stop drop and roll and be prepared to be the dumbest multicelled organism in the burn center.

2. Picking a fight with ANYONE with the word KILL emblazoned on any part of his/her body OR on any article of clothing they're wearing: This is ESPECIALLY stupid if he or she towers over you and outweighs you by 100 pounds. There is a good chance he or she...might not be right in the head.

3. Busting yourself on Twitter/Facebook. You call in sick and catch the Astros and Dodgers playing a double header. You have a $7.00 hotdog and $10.00 nachos and take lots of pictures. You then post on FACEBOOK how you got out of work by pretending to hack up a lung then post PHOTOS of yourself AT the GAME getting a noogie for former President George Herbert Walker Bush. You return to work the following day and find yourself unemployed. Were you fired for lying to the boss? No FOR BEING STUPID!

4. Dissin either your job OR your boss/boss' family on FB/Twitter. Your boss' wife looks like some kind of walrus and if he had less hair and lost 100 pounds would vaguely resemble some sort of orangutan. And the spawn and byproduct of these two heinous looking people doing the humpty dance looks like a cross between pound puppies and swamp rats. These things are ALL true, but by posting them you're saying "Cram it with wallnuts ugly" (Yes I stole that from the Simpsons) and please fire me...cuz I'm a MOE-RAHN!

5. Attempting to get drugs OUT of a foreign country: Your trip to Holland,Turkey, Thailand or Usukistan was GREAT! You met lots of Fantastic people and smoked something the name of which you couldn't pronounce. MAN! YOU GOTTA BRING SOME OF THIS HOME! No you don't you imbecile that's called smuggling and the penalties for it range from country to country. Most of the time it results in a lengthy prison sentence and in some places like Singapore it's an automatic DEATH (as in rubbin' your ass out) sentence. Even if drugs ARE legal, chances are leaving the country in question with ced narcotic is ALWAYS considered SMUGGLING and is as stupid as it is illegal.


6. ANY sexual activity which involves a member of the animal kingdom: Okay rather its gerbil play, making a SHEEP squeal like a pig or letting a dog lick peanut butter off your junk. Okay, spend a split second to ponder the BRILLIANCE of giving something with claws, pointy teeth and a strong jaw access to your genitals. Unless it's a 40ish divorcee named Sylvia...abort!

7. Imitating ANYTHING you've ever seen on Max-X or JackAss: Johnny Knoxville and Stevo should be coated in gasoline soaked rags and fired from a cannon into an active volcano and if you're compelled to set youself ablaze and jump into a pool because you saw THEM do it then you should wrap a flanksteak around your testicles and go play with a tiger.

8. Answer "Oh definitely" when any woman ask if another woman is prettier than she is or if she looks "fat.": It's just a good way to die.

9. Texting while driving past a police station: Run into a cop car you'll have a story you'll be able to tell your GRANDCHILDREN!

10. Tell your significant other about your affair: Yeah. You cheated on your wife only YOU and the homeless chick you picked up while volunteering at the soup kitchen and brought to that Sleazy Motel know about it...but the guilt won't let sleep so tell her to ease your conscience. Now you can sleeep...WITH ONE EYE OPEN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Yeah you made yourself feel better by making another person feel worse and that is just plain stupid. What's worse is that there will be repercussions. No who are we kidding, women are known for letting things go and not making a big deal of things right? They never bring up stuff you did in 1974 which they told you they'd forgiven.

Okay stupidity is part of human nature and always will be. Ultimately we can't stop it but we can collectively appreciate it's entertainment value.

She's fat...

I spent Saturday as I've spent many, on ice. One of the guys I skate with is an 18 year old, gangly sack of hormones who shall remain nameless. He and I stopped on the ice when I happened to notice a tall, muscular black man and his girlfriend walking past. The girlfriend was a short, pale blonde with a tiny waist, thick, muscular, well defined thighs and a rear end that looked as if she were smuggling volleyballs in the tight black shorts which barely contained her. My young friend skated up and asked what I was looking at, at which point I told him to gaze upon the small blonde. His response? "Damn. That's just TOO MUCH ass. Man, why do black guys always go after fat white chicks?"

I came to the defense of the girl I didn't know. "Okay. The girl's got a serious booty to waist deficiency...but I wouldn't call her fat. The girl just has a booty."

"Sorry man. I just don't see how any one finds that attractive." As I watched the thick, muscular, young woman swish away I respectfully disagreed with my young friend. When did we as a culture decide that the ultimate female form was a skeletal system? There is nothing wrong with being thin, but only a handful of people are genetically predisposed to be disturbingly slender and for some reason they are the yard stick that all women must base their self esteem upon. Women of color generally don't have the same issues with weight as white women do, but I'm thinking that might be in part to people like my friend.

Josef Göbels once said that "A lie repeated with a great enough degree of frequency eventually becomes accepted as truth." Sadly I think he might be right. Black and Latina women have no issue with not weighing 90 pounds because Black and Latino men like women with curves. Case in point? Wanna be celebrity Kim Kardashian has a larger than average rear end and prefers to date black men. Why? Because many white guys more than likely would try to get her to drop a few pounds.

The fashion industry constantly bombards women with size ones and size zeros then pretends to be completely innocent when they learn of eating disorders or women who suffer body image issues. Perfectly healthy women are currently sweating in gyms and starving themselves to attain an elusive body image which genetics has predetermined they shall never possess and why? Because some man convinced her she should.

Perspective on Islam...

I remember when I first Met Maria Khan at the Daily Cougar. She was a tall, curvaceous woman whose skin was a magnificent dusky hue. Her hair was a shimmering black and her eyes were big and beautiful and the color of pitch. One rarely meets someone whom they could describe as "arresting" but Maria fit that bill. She and I occassionaly hung out and caught a movie from time to time. I found her intellectually engaging and her personality refreshing. We weren't "Dating" or anything like that, but I simply enjoyed being seen with someone who was so beautiful in every sense of the word.
I used to jokingly say that if I HAD thought for a moment that Ms. Khan had considered me her "type" I would have happily converted to Islam. In all seriousness however, she and I had a few conversations on her faith and I can say that my view of the Islamic faith was initially formed by the occassional talks we had.
Over the course of my life I've known several Muslims and was fortunate enough to have studied Kung Fu under one who informed me that the very word "Muslim" means one who submits to the will of God and that "Islam" essentially means submission TO God. In 1979 there was a revoloution in Iran and several employees of the U.S. embassy in Terhan were held hostage. At the time I didn't know that the kidnappers were Muslims or even what a Muslim WAS. All I knew was that Americans had been held against their will by hostile people who hated America. Ronald Reagan (conservative icon) was elected president in 1980 and had issues with Iran and various groups in the middle east, but for all Regan's tough talk I must give him his due, he never villified Islam or Muslims in general the way many Neo-cons do today, and to that end most Americans of my generation had no opinion of Islam growing up.

I would like to say I've read the Koran I own from cover to cover, but I can't. Honestly I can say the same of the Bible which I own. Many who consider themselves "Christians" not only know nothing of Islam, but do not CHOOSE to know anything of it. Their attitude is simply that if it isn't Christianity it's not worthy of their attention, yet by some strange paradox condemn those of the Islamic faith who refuse to convert to Christianity or refuse to be bombarded with Christianity.
Recently someone proposed opening an Islamic Cultural Center two blocks away from the site where the World Trade Center once stood. The building in question wasn't to be a mosque. To be frank there already IS a mosque two blocks from where the World Trade Towers stood and it's been there since the late 50s and predated the world trade towers, but the outcry from some would have us believe that not only were they planning a mosque but some center for training terrorist agents.

Not since the Crusades and the Inquisition has there been such a wave of ill will towards Islam. Why is this? Some would argue that groups like the Palestinian Liberation Organization, Hamaas and Al Quaida show by their actions that Islam is a culture of violence. What if someone were to use the same logic to imply that the actions of the Ku Klux Klan (who considered themselves a Christian values organization) and abortion clinic bombers implied that Christianity is a faith dedicated to killing one's enemies? We have to come to terms with the fact that since the dawn of time there have been men and women willing to kill over their respective faiths. Men who blow up abortion clinics no more represent Christianity than those who strap bombs to themselves represent Islam.
America is at war with a group of radical Islamic terrorist, but we must NEVER act as if we are at war with Islam itself. Muslims like Christians are on six continents and that most get through their lives without once firing a shot in anger. We can not say that all Muslims are either "peaceful" or "warlike" any more than we can say the same of Christians. Neither religion is a monolith yet recognizing that would require us to THINK.

Farewell KTRU...

When I was a student at the University of Houston majoring in Radio and Television I attempted to apply for a job at KUHF the radio station at the University. The Federal Communications Commission established educational frequencies so that colleges could use them as teaching tools for students who wished to enter broadcasting. Upon entering KUHF I was informed that they simply didn't hire students.
I and several at the school Newpaper the Daily Cougar riled up a few people who mounted a protest which then head of the School of Communication Dr. Robert Musburger crushed. KUHF decided to pacify those of us who disagreed with the theory that a college radio station should NOT be a home to college students but rather to fat, middle aged radio hasbeens who had never been by creating a student intern position.
Why the ire? The two other educational frequencies in the city of Houston i.e. KTSU at Texas Southern University and KTRU at Rice University have some student programming. KTRU in fact is ENTIRELY student run. Shortly after graduating from the university of Houston I ventured over to KTRU where I did a late night show for two years. I was taught to use broadcast equiptment and sound boards and didn't have to pay them a dime and at the same time I was on the radio (albiet to a small audience) in the fourth largest city in America. It paid NOTHING but at any point had they asked me to pay THEM for the priviledge of being on air I would have gladly done so.
Earlier today I read a piece in which I learned that the University of Houston had just purchased KTRU much to the chagrin. Needless to say I was livid. KTRU does what many THINK KUHF is supposed to do, it TEACHES people who know NOTHING about radio how to utilize broadcast equiptment. It doesn't attempt to be some PR machine for a school which doesn't give 2/10th of a damn about students who can't dribble a basketball or run a 4.4 40 yard dash. It serves a purpose. Rice University is a very exclusive school, but it's radio station was open to all unlike it's cross town counterpart.
I was never truly a fan of most of the music I played on KTRU (although they did give me an appreciation for Japanese pop music) but it afforded me an opportunity to work behind a microphone for two years which my alma-mater (which will never recieve a dime from me) didn't think I or any student in it's own Radio and Television program was deserving.
To my alma-mater as they take over the station which I considered myself honored to be a part of, I say this. Ignore the rich history which you'll erase, hire more washed up jackasses who've spent their entire careers on the outskirts of radio rather than giving a new generation a reason to enter and love radio. My contempt for you as an educational institution was only surpassed by my contempt for you as a broadcasting entity and now I can safely say you utterly disgust me on every possible level.

Things I'd like to see...

Let's face it quite a few things utterly suck. The world is far from a perfect place and we all know it. Mind you certain things were they to occur would make this miserable famine plagued, war infested mud-ball juuuuuuust a little more tolerable. I'm certain I can't speak for everyone (as my attempt at a Global coúp dé tát and world domination FAILED MISERABLY) but here are a few things (in no particular order) that I think would make life just a tinge sweeter.

1. Ryan Seacrest being beaten beyond recognition. Sorry this little prick, annoys the piss out of me. Every time this leprechan says "Seacrest out" I really want to knock him the VUGG OUT! The fact that he's the executive producer of that God awful "Keeping up with the Kardashian's" show just pisses me off more.

2. Ryan Seacrest being kicked in the nads by a bunch of guys trying out to be place-kickers in the NFL AND 5th degree black belts working on their accuracy. The reason being? Keeping up with the Kardashians, Courtney and Khloe, and that Denise Richards' "Real Life" thing.

3. "The Situation" being thrown into the ring with one of those UFC guys. Maybe a shot in that fake tanned mug of his might make him stop speaking in the 3rd person.

4. Gigantomastia appreciation day! Look that one up.

5. Allowing NFL quarterbacks to take a hit. Half the professional QBs wouldn't have lasted a season in the 80's and 90s when you could follow a QB home and shoot him in the face with a bazooka. Hell I saw Dan Fouts get stabbed back in 1982...he still finished the game and didn't bitch about it.

6. Give your worst enemy a haircut day!

7. Angelina Jolie and Selma Hayak kissing with reckless abandon. I don't care what your gender or sexual orientation...that's so hot you'll scorch your retina looking at it.

8. Busta Rhymes being elected to something and performing "Woo Hah" rather than giving an acceptance speech. Come on...as long as he isn't YOUR Congressman...ya gotta admit that would be funny.

9. Celebrities and professional athletes going to JAIL when they F' up. Face it, if community service hours were frequent flyer miles Robert Downey Junior would never have to buy another airline ticket for the remainder of his life. Stop gushing over these celebs and just send the muff-huggas to jail!

10. A time machine and a crate of condoms. There are entirely too many mindnumblingly STUPID people on the planet. Give me a time machine, a crate of condoms, the names of both their parents and how to find them...9 months before the imbecile in question was born...bada boom bada bing...PROBLEM solved.

11. Passage of a law that would ban anyone with a SEX TAPE from attaining instant celebrity status. If you're already famous and gettin' freaky with your neighbors goat go nuts it doesn't apply to you, but if you're either some rich skank or some struggling 'actor/actress' who no one's ever heard of screw you pal. Think about it, we now know who Paris Hilton is NOT because he great grand father started a huge hotel chain...but because she slept with Shannon Dougherty's ex husband and videoed the whole thing.

Kim Kardashian is a pretty white girl with a big @ss who likes to FCUK black guys and because she got her freak on with Brandy's no talent kid brother Ray-J She has a TV show. Okay adult film star Kayla Kleevage has been doing the same damn thing for the last 10 years when will douchebag Ryan Seacrest produce "Keeping up with Kayla Kleevage?" I'd watch KKK. :-)

12. Diehard Soccer fans accepting the fact that U.S. doesn't love the worlds most popular sport. Sorry guys here in the US of A here is the professional sports batting order.

#1. Baseball

#2. Football

#3. Basketball

#4. Nascar

#5. Hockey

#6. Women's Tennis

#7. Men's Tennis

#8. Golf

#9. Bowling

#10. Professional women's full contact hopscotch

# 11. Fishing with dynamite

You guys are on the list...but only in the same way that I'm "on the list" of guys who have a shot at Lindsay Lohan by virtue of the fact that I have a Y Chromosome and a pulse.

#8. Golf.

13. If deer had thumbs. If Deer had thumbs...and access to rifles...hunting would be a REAL sport! Come on if the deer is shooting BACK...it's ON like NECKBONES BABY! IF you survive...not only are you tha man...but you get to eat the chump who was shooting at you.

14. Teleportation and Invisibility...but only if I could do them. Screw you guys.

15. Centerfold Bimbos with single digit IQs Not acting as if they were better than everyone else. I have no issue with people posing naked if they're so inclined. If you're a beautiful girl who wants to pose for pics KNOWING that thousands of guys will get their jollies looking at you naked go nuts. If you're a good looking guy who wants to pose for pics knowing that thousands of GUYS will be getting their jollies looking at you...go nuts. But don't act like you found the cure for Aids, before going to your day job in the jet propulsion lab at NASA right before posing for the pics in question.

16. A horror flick (not from the 'Scary Movie' series) other than "Night of the Living Dead" where a black guy is still alive at the end. Come on most of the negroes I know would either break the hell out or pull out a Smith and Wesson if some beat off with a hockey mask shows up inching up on us with an axe.

17. The bikini clad, baby oil covered Sofía Vergara hour! Give my favorite Columbian her own talk show but make her wear a bikini, sit behind a clear plexiglass desk and generously coat her in baby oil, I assure you that I and every other drunken frat boy in America would watch.

18. My worst enemy (he knows who he is) having someone throw an angry wolverine on him while he's sitting on the toilet. Dude...the only thing that stops me from beating you till your own mama doesn't recognize you are the obscenely LIBERAL laws that govern this country. Seriously...you're a bitch man.

19. More buffalo wings. Face it they rule.

20. Women NOT bringing up shiznit guys did back in 1972 (which they SAY they forgave ) but expecting guys to never bring up any mistakes THEY EVER made. Welcome...to fantasy island!

21. Oprah falling in love with the game of football, dedicating several shows to it and women learning to shut the hell up during the game. Yeah I said it.

22. Women accepting that heterosexual men don't want to go shopping with them and to us all women's shoes look alike. Sorry ladies, we care about your shoes as much as you care about:

a. The infield fly rule

b. Barry Sander's career Rushing stats

c. A new socket set

d. barbeque marinades

e. Megan Fox's measurements

f. The chassi of a 1957 Chevy Bellaire

g. A 1967 GTO

h. Beer.

i. urinals

j. the "Dude...you know what would be cool ?" game where we dare each other to do really stupid crap...simply because we're guys.

23. More French chicks. Even homely women with thick French accents...have no trouble getting a date.

24. Old white guys at hip hop concerts.

25. A "SHUT THE FCUK up!" card. Every U.S. citizen should get a card which enables them to say "Man SHUT THE FCUK UP!" to the authority figure of their choice. Be it their boss, significant other, or that HUGE psycho down the block whose dog keeps taking a dump on your yard. Use the phrase in question, pull out the card and let them punch it and inform you that you only have 2 left. :-)

26. Idiots who cause car accidents because they're either on the phone or texting while driving having to serve as crash test dummies for a month. GET OFF DA DAMN PHONE STUPID!

27. The ONE asswhipping a year law. You should be allowed to RANDOMLY distribute ONE deep downhome, chicken fried, countryboy, what you say about my mama, what the hell you mean less fillin' I said taste great ASSWHIPPING to A-hole of your choice. If you don't use the alloted ass-whipping... it carries over!

28. Brenda Song in a leather mini skirt. Yay me!

29. A one chick flick per year rule. Guys cannot be forced to attend more than one chick flick per year. Sorry ladies...it's the law.

30. A Porsche 928 S Turbo. I love that car.

31. The official disbanding of the Dallas Cowboys and Los Angeles Lakers.

32. The cast of Jackass being stuffed into a rocket and fired into the sun. You idiots suck. Grow the hell up.

33. Babybackbabybackbabyback....babyback ribs....barbeque sauce...

34. Free calamari, saki and okonomiyaki on your birthday if you're over 40 and were born in late December. :-)

35. Britney Spears being banned from producing another album or ever performing again unless it's with Frank Stallone. Please go away lady.

36. Someone...ANYONE telling me what the FCUK is so great about Lady Gaga.

37. More Matthew McConnohey jokes on Family Guy. Seth McFarlane is a genius.

38. The World acknowledging that techno sucks. Seriously...it sucks. Who doesn't get that?

39. Martian ...Successor... Nadesco. Thinkaboutit!

40. Middle-aged white guys having to dress like James Brown every year on his birthday. Come on...you guys know ya want to.