1. Ryan Seacrest being beaten beyond recognition. Sorry this little prick, annoys the piss out of me. Every time this leprechan says "Seacrest out" I really want to knock him the VUGG OUT! The fact that he's the executive producer of that God awful "Keeping up with the Kardashian's" show just pisses me off more.
2. Ryan Seacrest being kicked in the nads by a bunch of guys trying out to be place-kickers in the NFL AND 5th degree black belts working on their accuracy. The reason being? Keeping up with the Kardashians, Courtney and Khloe, and that Denise Richards' "Real Life" thing.
3. "The Situation" being thrown into the ring with one of those UFC guys. Maybe a shot in that fake tanned mug of his might make him stop speaking in the 3rd person.
4. Gigantomastia appreciation day! Look that one up.
5. Allowing NFL quarterbacks to take a hit. Half the professional QBs wouldn't have lasted a season in the 80's and 90s when you could follow a QB home and shoot him in the face with a bazooka. Hell I saw Dan Fouts get stabbed back in 1982...he still finished the game and didn't bitch about it.
6. Give your worst enemy a haircut day!
7. Angelina Jolie and Selma Hayak kissing with reckless abandon. I don't care what your gender or sexual orientation...that's so hot you'll scorch your retina looking at it.
8. Busta Rhymes being elected to something and performing "Woo Hah" rather than giving an acceptance speech. Come on...as long as he isn't YOUR Congressman...ya gotta admit that would be funny.
9. Celebrities and professional athletes going to JAIL when they F' up. Face it, if community service hours were frequent flyer miles Robert Downey Junior would never have to buy another airline ticket for the remainder of his life. Stop gushing over these celebs and just send the muff-huggas to jail!
10. A time machine and a crate of condoms. There are entirely too many mindnumblingly STUPID people on the planet. Give me a time machine, a crate of condoms, the names of both their parents and how to find them...9 months before the imbecile in question was born...bada boom bada bing...PROBLEM solved.
11. Passage of a law that would ban anyone with a SEX TAPE from attaining instant celebrity status. If you're already famous and gettin' freaky with your neighbors goat go nuts it doesn't apply to you, but if you're either some rich skank or some struggling 'actor/actress' who no one's ever heard of screw you pal. Think about it, we now know who Paris Hilton is NOT because he great grand father started a huge hotel chain...but because she slept with Shannon Dougherty's ex husband and videoed the whole thing.
Kim Kardashian is a pretty white girl with a big @ss who likes to FCUK black guys and because she got her freak on with Brandy's no talent kid brother Ray-J She has a TV show. Okay adult film star Kayla Kleevage has been doing the same damn thing for the last 10 years when will douchebag Ryan Seacrest produce "Keeping up with Kayla Kleevage?" I'd watch KKK. :-)
12. Diehard Soccer fans accepting the fact that U.S. doesn't love the worlds most popular sport. Sorry guys here in the US of A here is the professional sports batting order.
#1. Baseball
#2. Football
#3. Basketball
#4. Nascar
#5. Hockey
#6. Women's Tennis
#7. Men's Tennis
#8. Golf
#9. Bowling
#10. Professional women's full contact hopscotch
# 11. Fishing with dynamite
You guys are on the list...but only in the same way that I'm "on the list" of guys who have a shot at Lindsay Lohan by virtue of the fact that I have a Y Chromosome and a pulse.
#8. Golf.
13. If deer had thumbs. If Deer had thumbs...and access to rifles...hunting would be a REAL sport! Come on if the deer is shooting BACK...it's ON like NECKBONES BABY! IF you survive...not only are you tha man...but you get to eat the chump who was shooting at you.
14. Teleportation and Invisibility...but only if I could do them. Screw you guys.
15. Centerfold Bimbos with single digit IQs Not acting as if they were better than everyone else. I have no issue with people posing naked if they're so inclined. If you're a beautiful girl who wants to pose for pics KNOWING that thousands of guys will get their jollies looking at you naked go nuts. If you're a good looking guy who wants to pose for pics knowing that thousands of GUYS will be getting their jollies looking at you...go nuts. But don't act like you found the cure for Aids, before going to your day job in the jet propulsion lab at NASA right before posing for the pics in question.
16. A horror flick (not from the 'Scary Movie' series) other than "Night of the Living Dead" where a black guy is still alive at the end. Come on most of the negroes I know would either break the hell out or pull out a Smith and Wesson if some beat off with a hockey mask shows up inching up on us with an axe.
17. The bikini clad, baby oil covered Sofía Vergara hour! Give my favorite Columbian her own talk show but make her wear a bikini, sit behind a clear plexiglass desk and generously coat her in baby oil, I assure you that I and every other drunken frat boy in America would watch.
18. My worst enemy (he knows who he is) having someone throw an angry wolverine on him while he's sitting on the toilet. Dude...the only thing that stops me from beating you till your own mama doesn't recognize you are the obscenely LIBERAL laws that govern this country. Seriously...you're a bitch man.
19. More buffalo wings. Face it they rule.
20. Women NOT bringing up shiznit guys did back in 1972 (which they SAY they forgave ) but expecting guys to never bring up any mistakes THEY EVER made. Welcome...to fantasy island!
21. Oprah falling in love with the game of football, dedicating several shows to it and women learning to shut the hell up during the game. Yeah I said it.
22. Women accepting that heterosexual men don't want to go shopping with them and to us all women's shoes look alike. Sorry ladies, we care about your shoes as much as you care about:
a. The infield fly rule
b. Barry Sander's career Rushing stats
c. A new socket set
d. barbeque marinades
e. Megan Fox's measurements
f. The chassi of a 1957 Chevy Bellaire
g. A 1967 GTO
h. Beer.
i. urinals
j. the "Dude...you know what would be cool ?" game where we dare each other to do really stupid crap...simply because we're guys.
23. More French chicks. Even homely women with thick French accents...have no trouble getting a date.
24. Old white guys at hip hop concerts.
25. A "SHUT THE FCUK up!" card. Every U.S. citizen should get a card which enables them to say "Man SHUT THE FCUK UP!" to the authority figure of their choice. Be it their boss, significant other, or that HUGE psycho down the block whose dog keeps taking a dump on your yard. Use the phrase in question, pull out the card and let them punch it and inform you that you only have 2 left. :-)
26. Idiots who cause car accidents because they're either on the phone or texting while driving having to serve as crash test dummies for a month. GET OFF DA DAMN PHONE STUPID!
27. The ONE asswhipping a year law. You should be allowed to RANDOMLY distribute ONE deep downhome, chicken fried, countryboy, what you say about my mama, what the hell you mean less fillin' I said taste great ASSWHIPPING to A-hole of your choice. If you don't use the alloted ass-whipping... it carries over!
28. Brenda Song in a leather mini skirt. Yay me!
29. A one chick flick per year rule. Guys cannot be forced to attend more than one chick flick per year. Sorry ladies...it's the law.
30. A Porsche 928 S Turbo. I love that car.
31. The official disbanding of the Dallas Cowboys and Los Angeles Lakers.
32. The cast of Jackass being stuffed into a rocket and fired into the sun. You idiots suck. Grow the hell up.
33. Babybackbabybackbabyback....babyback ribs....barbeque sauce...
34. Free calamari, saki and okonomiyaki on your birthday if you're over 40 and were born in late December. :-)
35. Britney Spears being banned from producing another album or ever performing again unless it's with Frank Stallone. Please go away lady.
36. Someone...ANYONE telling me what the FCUK is so great about Lady Gaga.
37. More Matthew McConnohey jokes on Family Guy. Seth McFarlane is a genius.
38. The World acknowledging that techno sucks. Seriously...it sucks. Who doesn't get that?
39. Martian ...Successor... Nadesco. Thinkaboutit!
40. Middle-aged white guys having to dress like James Brown every year on his birthday. Come on...you guys know ya want to.
