Movin' on Up...

I'll help fools move, but you EITHER need to feed me ...WELL or get me disturbingly drunk off GOOD alcohol. There are people whom you'd drive to the airport, give a kidney and for whom you'd take a bullet, BUT whom you wouldn't help move. Seriously, you'd take a slug for a guy but you won't help him move his late grandmother's piano. 
        Hey, wounds heal and chicks dig scars, but movin' a piano is a pain in the butt. Okay calm down if you REALLY don't want people asking you to move, you have to make them think that they REALLY don't want you to know where they live. Make 'em think you're nuts or at least bizarre or slightly odd. Here are a few helpful hints to help you get out of the "moving" draft.

1. Have an unusual "emotional support" animal. I'm not talking dogs, cats, exotic birds or ferrets. Get a llama and have him clad in silk pajamas and one of those pimp hats with a feather. Get an aardvark and put a Parliament Funkadelic shirt on him.  Michael Jackson had a llama. How many times did you see that muff-hugga carrying the end of a couch?


2, Three words: "Giant...Carnival...Cigar".  Carnivals and fairs occasionally give out foot long, thick novelty cigars as prizes. Go online and buy a GROSS of them and smoke the dang things AROUND that friend who juuuust can't seem to find the right apartment who seems to move every six months.  If every time he sees you you're blowing smoke in his face from this funky, cheap cigar...you're as out as Sean Hayes.

3.  Randomly bolt! When around someone whom you suspect will be moving soon, travel with him/ her by cab or Uber. When at a stop light, get out and run the hell off. If they later ask where you were or what you did, be amazingly vague and elusive.

4.  "Sister Christian" them! Everyone who's seen the film "Boogie Nights" remembers the "Sister Christian" scene. REENACT IT!  When the "friend" is over for a dinner or social gathering, LITERALLY hire a prepubescent Asian kid to light and randomly toss firecrackers as you're talking to them...and pretend he isn't there...or that you can't hear anything.

5. Refer to yourself in 3rd person.  "Rodney feels that we should go to Ricos for lasagne. Rodney thinks they're better than Demiglios." Not only will they NOT want you to help them move,  you'll be lucky if one of them doesn't lunge at you with a steak knife.

6.  Get a "title".   Insist on your friends referring to you as "your grace", "Your eminence", "Lord Balvaird" or "Grand Ayatolla."  It's annoying as (rhymes with duck). If it doesn't kill your invite to the big move then my name isn't "His Highness Prince Regent Jesse Handy"

7. Charlie Daniels.  Charlie Daniels is a talented country artist from the 70s and 80s  His greatest hit which was a crossover on the pop charts was entitled "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". Play that song CONSTANTLY when around the friend whom you're trying to  avoid. No OTHER music from Charlie or anyone else...JUST play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" over...and over...and OVER again. If you're lucky they won't try to have you killed.

8. Bubba Gump them. If you've seen the film "Forest Gump" you remember Forest fellow developmentally challenged Army buddy "Bubba" whose knowledge of shrimp and how to prepare it was encyclopedic.  Learn EVERYTHING there is to know about a particular food...then ramble incessantly about it. IT WORKS!

9.  Get a CATCH PHRASE! I can promise you that if you punctuate every other sentence with "Well don't that butter your biscuit?" , "Aint that a soccer kick in the ballz?" or "Shave my butt and call me fluffy!" People will lift their OWN piano to see if they can throw it at you.

and FINALLY and this one is THERMONUCLEAR

10. The Hank Hill. Go to somewhere where either the person who you know will ask (or someone you both know) is getting their freak on and just burst in and say (in your best Hank Hill voice) "OH MY GOD IT'S SO JUICY!"  from one of the Thanksgiving episodes. Not only will they NOT want you to help them move, they might NEVER speak to you again. Of course the downside is...they might ask you to join.  Either way...good luck.