The 2026 Midterm elections will be here before you know it and our political landscape is always in need of new faces and recycled ideas which can be passed off as "fresh". You're a patriotic American who wishes to hold political office. Unfortunately for you, a large portion of the district, city or state in which you're running just happens to be "black"/"African American". You want their votes but have no idea how to identify with them. As a person of color I'd like to offer my insight on how you can reach out to us as a group and win this election. Here are a few suggestions that should help you win over the elusive black voter:Don't speak directly TO us. If you want to win over us black voters you have to play hard to get. Don't engage us directly, but rather speak of us in the abstract almost as if we're either fictional characters or extraterrestrial beings. Don't come into our communities or places where we congregate, that will simply make it seem as if you're pandering to us and you may risk alienating all important voters who don't look like us and you simply can't do that. Talking to community leaders whom we know and respect or coming into our community for events and festivals or having been in our community either working or volunteering will make you seem as if you have some kind of agenda. Speak exclusively to all white crowds in places so remote that we've never heard of them and at times of day when most of us will more than likely be at work. Make us chase you. We love that!
Align yourself with the Far right! Attend events and conferences where white nationalists, Christian nationalists and even open white supremacists are giving speeches. Make sure you're photographed with some of the most controversial speakers and when questioned about it simply say how your opponents are opposed to free speech and are exaggerating the alleged racism of the event's participants which makes them the "real racists". Say how you attended the event because it was in fact a "Christian conference" because you know that all black Americans are "Christians" and that saying so will resonate with us.
Insult us. Black folk LOVE a good insult we are after all the people who invented the "yo mama" joke. Subtlely taking jibes at us will win you lots of new friends and voters. Evoke images of the old south and tell us that not voting for you means we're either "brain washed" or on someone's "plantation". Some may argue that only black people can speak to each other in this manner. I submit that those people are racists attempting to infringe on your rights of free speech. They probably also hate Jeezus and want to take your guns away. Imply that not voting for you is something that only the slow witted would do and shame us into it. While slavery in name legally ended in the United States in 1865 invoking it off the cuff always works well with black voters. We simply love being reminded of it. If you say "The Democratic Plantation" enough times we'll wake up and say "Yeah...you're right" and will become your biggest and most zealous supporters.
Mention crime & tie us in wit it! I don't mean how crime effects our communities, but rather say how WE are responsible for the majority of it. While it may not be true as statistics show that most crimes are committed by whites, you should cherry pick data which says the contrary. Point out how any black person who was murdered was either a criminal OR did something which warranted his/her being killed. If the dead person has a criminal record, assert that they were a "career criminal". Even if the person was not committing a crime at the time of their death or if they were and that crime wasn't a capital offense and they were unarmed, point out that something they did in the past made their death justified. If the deceased is a woman who was sleeping when cops arrived and kicked down her door, claim that her ex boyfriend was a drug dealer or some kind of criminal and that alone got her shot. If the person shot (never call him/her a "victim") was a law abiding citizen with a gun permit, say that he/she resembles someone who committed a crime and that there is video of said crime. If the dead is a child who was shot while playing with an air pistol, emphasize how REAL the toy looked and how big the kid was. If the youngster is stalked in the rain and violently confronted by some punk with a gun say how "suspicious" the kid looked, point out his having a discipline issue at school and paint his shooter as a community minded "hero" who merely wanted to protect his community when assailed by a "violent young thug." I can't speak for other black people, but I for one would break my legs running to the polls to vote for someone who called ME a criminal or said that I was more likely to commit a crime.
Ignore American history! Pretend that law enforcement never allowed lynchings, that there were never laws on the books which denied people of color rights like voting, owning property or getting an education or that until the early 1970s it was perfectly legal to tell a black person that you simply did not hire blacks. Spread the myth of pulling one's self up by one's bootstraps while ignoring that until the mid 1970s it was legal for banks to deny loans to people for simply being black while it was relatively simply for white men to purchase land in black neighborhoods because it encouraged "entrepreneurship". Flat out ignore that the prison systems in states that comprised the old Confederacy from the 1880s until the 1960s used to rent out convicts to local businesses. While at it, ignore that the peonage and share cropper systems could tie a person and even his/her descendants to a piece of land until an arbitrary debt was paid off. Tell us that the only history which matters is the American history in which we're not included or from which we've been omitted. Proclaim your patriotism and remind us that if we don't see America the way you do that we're free to leave.
Minimize our accomplishments! In 1964 the United States passed laws which made it illegal to deny someone a job or educational opportunity based on their race. In 1972 a quota system was put in place to insure that employers and academic institutions could limit the numbers of minorities within their ranks. While schools like Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Colgate and Princeton aren't randomly admitting persons of color with G.E.Ds or who graduated at the bottom of their respective classes, when you give speeches act as if they do. Pretend as if Ivy League institutions and corporate America has been overrun with with men and women who can't speak the King's English, do basic math or who possess the mental acuity to open a door without assistance. Question the credentials of every black, engineer, doctor, accountant, airline pilot, attorney or any other professional. Openly state that they only have those jobs and were able to get the credentials necessary for them because they cheated some white man from an education or position which should have been his. This keeps us in our place and scores you points with white voters especially men as they're the most important voting block.
Disparage black women! Black women vote in much larger numbers than black men. No one knows why but they do. As I stated earlier, we as a people love being insulted! Black women especially love it. As the old expression goes "Keep 'em keen, treat 'em mean." Find black women whom you don't especially like and compare their physical appearance to various beasts e.g. "gorilla in heels" or insults of the like. Question their intelligence! Speak to and of black women with medical and law degrees as if they're children with developmental disabilities. Your level of education is irrelevant if you make your assertion with enough authority and gravitas. Whether you hold a PhD from Oxford, an MBA from William and Mary, a bachelors from Rice an Associates from Houston Community College or simply dropped out of community college after barely finishing high school your insult will land well if you deliver it with enough swagger! Insulting black women will also help you with black men as what man doesn't like hearing someone insult his mother, wife, girlfriend or daughter?
Hire background blacks! Nothing says "vote for me" more effectively than speaking to an audience which is easily 90% white while there are black men and women standing or sitting behind you nodding in enthusiastic agreement. You're clearly "down with us" if those "brothers and sisters" are part of your entourage. Oh I'm sorry "posse". If possible seek out black "spokes persons" who will do all of the aforementioned things on this list at speeches and rallies. Clearly you don't have a racist bone in your body if a "well spoken" man or woman of color takes the podium and tells your mostly white audience about all which is wrong with the black community. Some might try to assert that he or she is merely appealing to the "dog whistles" that the undereducated reply to, but the only people doing so will be "liberals" who hate America and freedom who hate blacks who are "independent thinkers". They will also act as if your definition of a black "independent thinker" is simply a person of color who agrees with you, or who is willing to speak on your behalf for enough money. They are of course liberals and should be disregarded.
There you have it candidate! If you follow this basic formula folks like myself will tap dance to polls on Election Day while singing our favorite spirituals (as we are a musical people) and vote for you in droves! In fact we may even don a disguise and return to the polls to vote for you a second time that same day. We'll sit up late watching the returns with a big bucket of fried chicken, a huge slice of watermelon and an enormous bottle of some kind of red soda to celebrate your impending victory. Good luck candidate! Incidentally should you not be victorious in this election claim "wide spread voter fraud" and demand several recounts and while you're waiting for the results of those recounts please look up the words "satire" and "sarcasm". I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. After you do read Swift's "A Modest Proposal"
