Stupid...just plain stupid.

I've never had much faith in mankind. I'll be the first to admit that the human condition saddens me to some degree. It's one of those things in which there SHOULD be some degree of hope but sadly again and again it serves to disappoint. Ben Franklin once said "The only things we can be sure of are death and taxes." Well, I contend that our good friend and canabis smoking founding father forgot human stupidity. Let's face it, courts are FILLED with people who did something STUPID who are suing someone else rather than simply admit they were at fault and incredibly stupid. While I'll admit I can be a bit of a misanthrope I have my softer moments when I simply can no longer watch people doing stupid crap without at least TRYING to warn them. So here goes, a list of just plain stupid things one should avoid.

1. Smoking or playing with your cell phone at gas stations: Okay there are signs two feet high with bold red letters and little pictugraphs telling you that if you're smoking near gasoline fumes OR carrying a small electronic device which CAN create a spark you MIGHT burst into flames. IF you ignore this and turn into the human torch...don't look for an invisible girl, elastic guy or a dude made of brick, stop drop and roll and be prepared to be the dumbest multicelled organism in the burn center.

2. Picking a fight with ANYONE with the word KILL emblazoned on any part of his/her body OR on any article of clothing they're wearing: This is ESPECIALLY stupid if he or she towers over you and outweighs you by 100 pounds. There is a good chance he or she...might not be right in the head.

3. Busting yourself on Twitter/Facebook. You call in sick and catch the Astros and Dodgers playing a double header. You have a $7.00 hotdog and $10.00 nachos and take lots of pictures. You then post on FACEBOOK how you got out of work by pretending to hack up a lung then post PHOTOS of yourself AT the GAME getting a noogie for former President George Herbert Walker Bush. You return to work the following day and find yourself unemployed. Were you fired for lying to the boss? No FOR BEING STUPID!

4. Dissin either your job OR your boss/boss' family on FB/Twitter. Your boss' wife looks like some kind of walrus and if he had less hair and lost 100 pounds would vaguely resemble some sort of orangutan. And the spawn and byproduct of these two heinous looking people doing the humpty dance looks like a cross between pound puppies and swamp rats. These things are ALL true, but by posting them you're saying "Cram it with wallnuts ugly" (Yes I stole that from the Simpsons) and please fire me...cuz I'm a MOE-RAHN!

5. Attempting to get drugs OUT of a foreign country: Your trip to Holland,Turkey, Thailand or Usukistan was GREAT! You met lots of Fantastic people and smoked something the name of which you couldn't pronounce. MAN! YOU GOTTA BRING SOME OF THIS HOME! No you don't you imbecile that's called smuggling and the penalties for it range from country to country. Most of the time it results in a lengthy prison sentence and in some places like Singapore it's an automatic DEATH (as in rubbin' your ass out) sentence. Even if drugs ARE legal, chances are leaving the country in question with ced narcotic is ALWAYS considered SMUGGLING and is as stupid as it is illegal.


6. ANY sexual activity which involves a member of the animal kingdom: Okay rather its gerbil play, making a SHEEP squeal like a pig or letting a dog lick peanut butter off your junk. Okay, spend a split second to ponder the BRILLIANCE of giving something with claws, pointy teeth and a strong jaw access to your genitals. Unless it's a 40ish divorcee named Sylvia...abort!

7. Imitating ANYTHING you've ever seen on Max-X or JackAss: Johnny Knoxville and Stevo should be coated in gasoline soaked rags and fired from a cannon into an active volcano and if you're compelled to set youself ablaze and jump into a pool because you saw THEM do it then you should wrap a flanksteak around your testicles and go play with a tiger.

8. Answer "Oh definitely" when any woman ask if another woman is prettier than she is or if she looks "fat.": It's just a good way to die.

9. Texting while driving past a police station: Run into a cop car you'll have a story you'll be able to tell your GRANDCHILDREN!

10. Tell your significant other about your affair: Yeah. You cheated on your wife only YOU and the homeless chick you picked up while volunteering at the soup kitchen and brought to that Sleazy Motel know about it...but the guilt won't let sleep so tell her to ease your conscience. Now you can sleeep...WITH ONE EYE OPEN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Yeah you made yourself feel better by making another person feel worse and that is just plain stupid. What's worse is that there will be repercussions. No who are we kidding, women are known for letting things go and not making a big deal of things right? They never bring up stuff you did in 1974 which they told you they'd forgiven.

Okay stupidity is part of human nature and always will be. Ultimately we can't stop it but we can collectively appreciate it's entertainment value.